Ask Gilmore and Green Segments

Question: I had lunch with my friends the other day and we got into a crazy argument about how to define love. One friend said it is a feeling that comes and goes. Another friend disagreed and said once you love someone it never goes away. My recently divorced friend got a bit emotional and said she now believes love never happened in her marriage. She said, “How could someone love you, and yet be so dismissive of you?” I was left feeling a bit lost, and this sent me on a mis

Question: Dr. Debi, I’ve always struggled to speak up in my marriage. I love my husband, and he’s a good man, but when I try to share that something hurts or bothers me, I either get emotional and it comes out wrong—or I shut down completely. I don’t want to create conflict, but I also don’t want to keep silencing myself. How do I find my voice without damaging the relationship? Answer: What you’re describing is so common—and so human. When your heart perceives even a small r

Question: I have been away at college, and I haven’t been home since August. I’m in my second year and live with 3 others in campus housing. My dormmates are so excited to go home during Christmas break to see their families. They all talk about how much fun it will be to sleep in their own room, to connect with their siblings and cousins, and spend time with people they have missed being with. I feel the opposite and feel so guilty for feeling this way. My family is emotiona

Question: I need you to help me see where I have gone wrong. I have spent years trying to express to my partner what my needs are within our relationship. I’ve asked him to spend less time on his phone (he is on it from the second he gets home until he goes to sleep). We both work full time, and I am literally doing ALL of the domestic chores while I have to beg for him to just take out the trash. Sometimes I just do it myself to avoid any conflict or him calling me a “nag.”

Question: It’s happening again! This time of year I start to feel anxious about the holidays. Everybody else talks about the excitement of the holiday season, but for me, this is a dreadful time of year. My family gatherings always involve tension and competition. My older sister has sworn off organized religion and feels like the family dinner is the perfect place to shame those who value faith, prayer, and religious practices. One of my brothers agrees with her and gets suc

Question: Three months ago while I was on a trip with my family, my mother passed away unexpectedly. I was dealing with some personal issues and had not talked with any extended family for several weeks. I was shocked to learn she had died, and even more devastated that I didn’t get the chance to tell her how much I love her… to thank her for my life and all she did for me and my family. I feel so ashamed that I pulled away from everyone, but that’s how I have always dealt wi

Question: “I have a dear friend whom you have known and loved for countless years. We met while attending a grief group, and we found we had so much in common we were instantly bonded. While navigating cancer treatments, she was by my side as often as needed, and I always knew I could count on her to be there for support when things got rough. Recently, when the election campaigns began to flood the news, we were sitting over lunch and she began to voice some seriously concer

Question: I have made the most horrific mistake, hurt my girlfriend, and now they want nothing to do with me. We have been together for 2 years, and were just about to become engaged. I love her so much, and I can’t imagine living without her. She won’t answer her phone, and doesn’t respond to texts. I asked some of our mutual friends if they would check in on her and now some of them won’t speak to me either. How do I fix this? Is it possible to repair our relationship and r

I have always loved the process of writing and have found tremendous fulfilment by sitting down to my computer and just allowing my fingers to flow across the keys. When navigating my most difficult challenges, writing has served to soften the blow of disappointment and helps me make sense of the pain in the aftermath. Recently, someone approached me with a dilemma that served as a reminder of the power of journaling. This person explained that over the past several months t

Question: Dr. Debi, help! My husband has always been my best friend and cheerleader. We have been through so much together while raising our kids, facing job loss that caused financial struggles, and other rocky seasons of our marriage. COVID-19 hit us hard, and back in late 2020 my husband spent several days in the hospital that scared me to death! He finally was given the green light to come home, but I don’t think he ever fully recovered. Since coming home, he has been in

Question: Dr. Debi, help! I have a dear friend whom I have considered my best, and most trusted friend for years. Recently, I reached out and asked if we could get together, but it took my friend four days to respond. During those days I felt increasingly anxious, telling myself they must be angry or that I offended them in some way. I tend to do that... I assume the worst before I know for sure what is going on. On day 5, I sent a text and told them I didn’t want to get toge

Question: Dr. Debi, please help! Recently, I was sitting with a group of friends at lunch, and one of them brought up some new information about someone that could not join us that day. The news was shocking, and I felt sick to my stomach the moment they began to disclose such awful news. The biggest problem is this person they were talking about has become a very dear friend to me. The group didn’t know I am close to her, so I think that’s why they felt free to share such d

Question: Dr. Debi, please help! A year ago I lost my husband after a 5 year battle with cancer. We were married for 25 years and together we raised 3 beautiful children. Two are married, and one is in her final year of college. During the first few months after the funeral, they were all attentive and checked in on me frequently to be sure I was doing ok. However, over the past 6 months they have stopped calling and rarely come to visit. My oldest son recently asked to take

Question: I have been in a serious relationship with a girl for 1 ½ years. We were best friends long before we started dating, but drifted apart when I accepted a job in another state, and she went to Boston to get her college degree. After 6 years and very little contact, we ran into each other in our hometown. Instantly it felt so right, and we both felt like we were falling in love. We started seeing each other every day and even talked about marriage because we couldn’t i

Question: I have been dating the most amazing woman, and I am terrified of losing her. Every time I am with her I want to tell her how I feel about her but I can never find a time that feels right. I’m afraid she won’t feel the same way, and then I will feel like an idiot for admitting to her my feelings. What if telling her scares her away? In my family, we always said, “Love ya!” or some other form of greeting, but “I love you,” seems so strong. Of course, I want her to fee

Question: They just look so happy when I say yes and I feel like a bad person when I say no. I hate disappointing others. I've found it is completely impossible to change this reflex. It doesn't matter how much I understand about personal boundaries, the reflex to say yes bypasses my brain. At best, my brain will catch up 15 minutes later and I'll then proceed to wriggle out of what ever I agreed to. Then, I feel like I have betrayed them, and have flaked out, yet again. How

Question: Dr. Debi, help! I finally said it out loud yesterday—shockingly I finally said it out loud and it made it real. “I am so desperately lonely!” I am a full-time mother, in my forties, and I have five children. My husband is wonderful, I have two wonderful sisters, lots of really solid friends and a busy life. So how could this possibly be real? Me, lonely? That’s absurd. I am almost ashamed to admit it. My father died six years ago, and he was my confidant, my mento

Question: I am a single mother with three adolescent children ages 13, 15, and 17. We just moved to a new area because I was able to get a good paying job with benefits. I used to be active and involved in my previous neighborhood and community, but since the divorce and the move I just can’t seem to find that fun and lovable “me” I lost. I don’t have much to offer anyone because I am so consumed with work and raising three children on my own. The thought of dating someone at

Recently, one of my clients came in feeling despondent and frustrated. They had experienced a job loss 3 months ago and this was a large company they had been with for over 20 years. It was devastating news for them with a mortgage and 3 young children to support. My client told me they had prayed so hard to find a new position but there have been no job offers. At this point they were filled with dread, and filled with frustration. They said they believed there was no peace

Question: I have a hard time letting my wife know when she hurts me. Sometimes she can be so harsh and mean to me, and I usually just bite my tongue and let it go. I was always taught to turn the other cheek and be as respectful as possible, but after years of just stuffing it or eating my pain I am feeling beaten and defeated. My wife used to be my best friend, but now I find myself wanting to be with my bicycle club buddies. She feels abandoned and I know she is hurting too