Depressed Husband

Question: Dr. Debi, help! 

My husband has always been my best friend and cheerleader. We have been through so much together while raising our kids, facing job loss that caused financial struggles, and other rocky seasons of our marriage. COVID-19 hit us hard, and back in late 2020 my husband spent several days in the hospital that scared me to death! He finally was given the green light to come home, but I don’t think he ever fully recovered. Since coming home, he has been in a slump of sadness and sometimes utter despair. Last week, we met with a therapist and he was diagnosed with long covid and clinical depression. He is now on medication, but he isn’t like he used to be. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. How do I deal with the loss I feel while I support him in his healing too? 

Answer: Your situation is unfortunately quite familiar to any mental health professional following the world-wide pandemic. We are seeing many, many cases of individuals who recovered from the acute phase of COVID-19, but never really achieved full health and vitality. Often, we see individuals suffering from severe depression to the point of losing their ability to function the way they used to. 

Anyone in a relationship with someone who has depression experiences their own journal of a mixture of emotions and questions. It may be difficult for you to know what depression feels like for your partner. You asked about how to support him, while taking care of your own emotional needs. You might be wondering if his symptoms will impact your relationship, and if so, how can you motivate your depressed partner to work on the relationship to avoid long-term damage. 

These are all important questions, but my first focus would be on the essential step you must take to ensure your needs are met and reinforced. Just like an airplane in distress, you must find and put on your oxygen mask. Practicing self-care is most important to ensure resilience sustains you during the tough moments when he is struggling. Self-care is not selfish and is actually a form of self-compassion. It is an investment in better caregiving and preventative from ultimate caregiver burnout. 

Eat regular healthy meals, exercise early so nothing else interferes with your daily routine, focus on getting a good night’s rest, participate in your favorite hobbies, practice mindfulness and relaxation, and finally the most important step--cultivate spiritual practices. If you incorporate these elements into every day, you will be better prepared to support and care for your husband. 

Finally, I want to celebrate that you went with him to seek mental health care. The medication he has been prescribed may take a few weeks to take effect, but your encouragement for him to remain dedicated to taking his medication will ensure effective treatment. COVID-19 negatively impacts the neurology of the brain, creating a chemical imbalance that can cause deep depression. Individuals who suffer from depression can benefit tremendously with modern medications, and often experience a return to full mental health and well-being. However, it is the combination of medication, mental health treatment, and patience in the process that will offer you both the best possible outcome.