Betrayal of Trust

Question: I have made the most horrific mistake, hurt my girlfriend, and now they want nothing to do with me. We have been together for 2 years, and were just about to become engaged. I love her so much, and I can’t imagine living without her. She won’t answer her phone, and doesn’t respond to texts. I asked some of our mutual friends if they would check in on her and now some of them won’t speak to me either. How do I fix this? Is it possible to repair our relationship and rebuild trust?

Answer: Rebuilding trust can be tough, but it’s definitely possible—with time, consistency, and real effort. Here’s a breakdown of how to start:

First, it is important to be patient and respect their pace and initial need for space. You don’t get to set the timeline for someone else’s healing. Honor their need for space if they need it, but keep showing you are there. In a few days it might be appropriate to send flowers with a brief message of loving concern. 

It is highly unlikely that this need for space will never end. Once they are ready to initiate contact, acknowledge what happened, and be honest about what broke the trust. Without trying to “explain yourself away,” just completely own your part fully—no excuses, no minimizing.

Allow your girlfriend the opportunity to talk openly and calmly about the hurt they experienced. Listen to understand… not to defend. Ask questions to gain clarity. This sends the message that you truly care about their hurt, and that you want to fully understand their pain. This goes a long way in the healing process. 

Be careful about apologizing. A real apology is not, “I’m sorry.” A sincere apology includes: acknowledging the harm, showing remorse, and expressing a desire to make it right. Additionally, avoid saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Instead, try “I’m sorry for what I did that caused you to feel this way.”

Going forward, it is important to show consistent behavior over time. Trust isn’t rebuilt overnight. Keep showing up. Be reliable, honest, and open—even in small things. Let your actions speak louder than your words.

If transparency and openness hasn’t been the norm, work to become more transparent in your interactions with your partner.  Be willing to answer any questions that come up. Defensiveness or secrecy only increases insecurity in your partner.  Share more than usual, especially at first. If you messed up because you weren’t open, go the extra mile now.

Finally, rebuild the connection by spending time together doing things that encourage closeness. Work on laughing again, and recreate positive memories to help rewire the emotional connection.

Once trust has been broken, trust changes and the focus is more on emotional connection and security in the here and now. Over time, and with complete loyalty and consistency, your partner will heal fully and the two of you will have built a stronger foundation of love and connection in your relationship.