I'm Lonely

Question: Dr. Debi, help! 

I finally said it out loud yesterday—shockingly I finally said it out loud and it made it real. “I am so desperately lonely!” I am a full-time mother, in my forties, and I have five children. My husband is wonderful, I have two wonderful sisters, lots of really solid friends and a busy life. So how could this possibly be real? Me, lonely? That’s absurd. I am almost ashamed to admit it. 

My father died six years ago, and he was my confidant, my mentor, and someone I could always go to when I needed counsel. When I think about him being gone, I feel empty… lonely. It hits me hard when I am going about my day doing my shopping, going for a walk, or while I am in the car on the way to pick up my kids from school – why does loneliness just hit me like this?

I’ll catch a glimpse of someone who walks like my Dad ahead of me on the street, the tilt of someone’s head, or watching total stranger fumble for his credit card in a grocery store the same way my Dad did. No matter where I am, this loneliness hits me right in the stomach It’s a miserable gut wrenching feeling. When it happens I feel so ashamed and like I’m an idiot that I can’t seem to get over this! I often wonder how many people are feeling the same? Maybe something is wrong with me. That’s it… something is seriously wrong with me. Am I doomed to feel this loneliness the rest of my life?

Answer: It sounds like you are not only lonely, but you are also suffering from a grieving process that you have not given yourself permission to experience fully. Your loneliness is compounded because you probably haven’t talked about your feelings of loss openly. When we can acknowledge our pain, and talk about it with trusted others, through that connection, we are able to make sense of our pain and eventually heal. 

Loneliness and being alone are two different emotional states. We can feel lonely even in the confines of our intimate relationships. We can lay in the same bed as our partner and feel the weight of loneliness grip our psyche, our soul, and our hearts. People mistakenly think that loneliness is exclusive to people living alone with no one, or for those who simply don’t have the skills to create circles of friends. In reality, sometimes loneliness is more acute when you are in a crowded place because no one knows how you feel inside and it’s difficult to see people going about their business not knowing that someone within reach is secretly suffering internally.

So how can you deal with, work through, and cope with your grief and loneliness? You already took the first step when you said it out loud and acknowledged it’s there. Many people misunderstand how to grieve properly, and if we force ourselves to “get over it” and move on, we are setting ourselves up for prolonged suffering and incomplete healing. Eventually the pain will surface again without warning. This is because the ache in our soul was not acknowledged, the loss was disregarded, and it doesn’t just slip away. 

Allow Yourself to Feel: First, instead of judging your feelings and pushing them aside, allow yourself to feel the painful emotions. It's important to recognize and accept your feelings. Grieving involves a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, and even relief. Let yourself experience these feelings without judgment.

Memorialize and Celebrate: Second, consider memorializing, celebrating, and remembering what you loved and cherished about your dad. Celebrate his life by creating a book of special memories or engaging in activities that honor their memory. This could involve creating a scrapbook, writing your dad’s life history, or participating in activities that were important to your loved one.

Connect with Others: Finally, consider sharing your turmoil and painful loneliness with your husband. In addition to self-reflecting, examine what is missing from your life since your dad’s passing. You mentioned your husband is wonderful, but he likely doesn’t understand what you are privately going through. Once you find the courage to open your heart to him, allow him to brainstorm with you to find ways he can step into more of the role your dad fulfilled for you. Allow him to be your best friend and share with your husband all the other strengths you found with your dad. Explore ways he can support you as you allow yourself to fully immerse in the healing process.