Navigating Loss and Regret

Question: Three months ago while I was on a trip with my family, my mother passed away unexpectedly. I was dealing with some personal issues and had not talked with any extended family for several weeks. I was shocked to learn she had died, and even more devastated that I didn’t get the chance to tell her how much I love her… to thank her for my life and all she did for me and my family. I feel so ashamed that I pulled away from everyone, but that’s how I have always dealt with pain and disappointment. Now the regret is overwhelming. How can I find closure and get over this intense shame?

Answer: I am so sorry you didn’t get a chance to be with your mother and express your deepest feelings with her before she passed on. Losing someone you love, especially without being able to say all you wanted, can leave a deep ache in your soul. It’s natural to wish for one more conversation, and a few more moments together. 

Your regret can become all-consuming and can impede your healing process. Even though you couldn’t say what you feel directly to her, the love you felt and still feel for her still matters—your love lived in your relationship, in how you cared, and in the bond you shared. Sometimes, finding ways to express those unspoken words—writing her a letter, talking to her in prayer or quiet moments, or carrying forward her influence in your life—can help ease that weight.

Consider writing your mother a letter that contains all the things you carry in your heart. Write your thoughts and impressions about cherished memories, the things you loved about your mother, and anything else you wish you could have said to her. Then, when the letter is complete, place it on a desk or counter in your home, wide open, as if she were going to read it. This process can be quite healing, and the emotional experience of gathering those thoughts and tributes assists your brain in imagining the conversation did happen after all.

The following is an example of the kind of letter you might consider writing. 

Dear Mom,

There are so many things I wish I could have told you. Most of all, I want you to know

how much you mean to me. You shaped my life in countless ways, and I carry your

love with me every single day.

I’ll never forget the surprise birthday party you gave me when I turned 16. I can still

remember the joy and excitement of that moment—and the way you went out of your

way to make me feel celebrated and loved. That’s who you were: always thinking of

others, always serving with such a generous heart.

One of the things I admired most about you was how naturally you gave of yourself.

You found joy in serving others, and that example continues to guide me in how I want

to live my life.

I also want to thank you, from the deepest place in my heart, for the quiet, tender

ways you cared for me. Especially those times when I was sick—you never

complained, you just poured love into every gesture. I never said it enough, but it

meant the world to me.

Even though you’re no longer here for me to say these words aloud, I hope you can

feel them. You are forever a part of me, and I will keep honoring you by living out the

love and care you showed so well.

I love you, Mom. Always and Forever…