Holidays with Toxic Family Members

Question: It’s happening again! This time of year I start to feel anxious about the holidays. Everybody else talks about the excitement of the holiday season, but for me, this is a dreadful time of year. My family gatherings always involve tension and competition. My older sister has sworn off organized religion and feels like the family dinner is the perfect place to shame those who value faith, prayer, and religious practices. One of my brothers agrees with her and gets sucked into the debate every time. Others jump in to defend their differing views, and it starts an alarming war. I find myself sick to my stomach wishing I had turned down the invitation to attend. I sit quietly, hoping it will end soon… but it goes on until someone pleads for dessert. I don’t want to cut off my entire extended family, but I am at the point where I am losing sleep the months of November and December. I even find myself longing for the holidays to be over. Thanksgiving dinner is a nightmare for me. What can I possibly do to avoid the war I know will happen yet again?

Answer: Navigating the holidays with difficult family members can be challenging, especially if tension tends to build around this time of year. Completely severing ties with family isn’t a healthy or fulfilling solution. Instead, begin by setting some personal boundaries early. Communicate these boundaries clearly and calmly. It could be about specific topics and offering suggestions of topics that are safe and uplifting. 

Another strategy is to set appropriate expectations. Instead of hoping family members will behave differently, accept them as they are and prepare for the situations that typically come up. Lowering expectations can help minimize frustration. Instead, try to be curious about their point of view, and without debating respond with, “That’s so interesting. Thank you for sharing.” This catches difficult people off guard and does not fuel what typically might ignite into a fiery debate. 

Focus on your own reactions to difficult people. You can’t control how they act, but you can control how you respond. Practice deep breathing, grounding techniques, or even stepping outside for a break if you need space to gather yourself. If there are particular people who trigger you, try to stay in group settings. Being around multiple people can diffuse difficult conversations and lessen the chance of conflict.

Give yourself permission to leave if things become too overwhelming. This can mean stepping away from the room, doing an activity that gives you a break, or even leaving the gathering if it’s too much. Decide in advance how long you want to stay, with the understanding that when that time is up you will be exiting the party with confidence. 

Find moments in the day to connect with what you enjoy about the holidays. Whether it’s festive music, food, or another ritual, focusing on what brings you joy can help balance out the negative. Also, identify people in your circle of loved ones and friends with whom you feel safe, and who lift your spirits. Spend holiday time with them so your emotional “bucket” is full by the time you enter the family gathering. 

Decide what’s worth your energy. Sometimes, releasing the need to respond or engage in certain conversations can help keep the peace and reduce your stress. By focusing on what you can control and protecting your mental space, you can create a better experience even when family members are challenging.