Feeling Abandoned

Question: I need you to help me see where I have gone wrong. I have spent years trying to express to my partner what my needs are within our relationship. I’ve asked him to spend less time on his phone (he is on it from the second he gets home until he goes to sleep). We both work full time, and I am literally doing ALL of the domestic chores while I have to beg for him to just take out the trash. Sometimes I just do it myself to avoid any conflict or him calling me a “nag.” 

The most painful moment was recently when I got home from work and walked over to where he was seated. I told him I wanted more time for both myself and more quality time with him. He didn’t look up from his phone and I got no response from him. Finally, I just started to cry. That’s when he looked up at me, confused and said, “What? What just happened? Are you talking to me?” I am so hurt, lonely, and don’t see how this relationship can survive. Please help!

Answer: It can be very hurtful and frustrating when your partner ignores your attempts to connect, and it is so discouraging when you believe you have tried every possible strategy with little progress. My recommendation is that you begin with explicit and clear steps. Invite your partner to sit down and have a conversation with you without devices or other distractions. Choose a moment when you are both relatively relaxed and not distracted by other responsibilities or stressors. 

Begin the conversation by expressing your desire to feel closer and more connected with your partner. Talk about what you do value about them and find specific things for which you are grateful. Express your feelings from a place of respect and love for them. “I miss you, and lately I feel like we have drifted apart.” Sharing your painful emotions first prevents the conversation from turning into criticism or blame. As difficult and scary as it may be, express to your partner how their behavior makes you feel. "I feel sad and disconnected when you ignore my attempts to connect."

It is important to offer your partner a chance to talk about their experience. Try to understand why your partner might be ignoring your bids for connection. It could be due to stress, distractions, or underlying issues in the relationship. Show your partner that you value their thoughts and feelings by actively listening to them without interrupting or judging. This can help create a more open and supportive communication dynamic.

Next, ask for specific changes. Be clear about what you need from your partner. Set them up to succeed by letting them know what actions or responses would make you feel more connected and supported. Establish a new ritual of connection by scheduling regular date nights or simply setting aside time each day to talk and connect. Commit to making a joint effort to spend quality time together without distractions. Couples who practice an “Intentional Marriage” by taking these simple steps open the door to new possibilities and greater marital satisfaction.