Gossip

Question: Dr. Debi, please help! 

Recently, I was sitting with a group of friends at lunch, and one of them brought up some new information about someone that could not join us that day. The news was shocking, and I felt sick to my stomach the moment they began to disclose such awful news. The biggest problem is this person they were talking about has become a very dear friend to me. The group didn’t know I am close to her, so I think that’s why they felt free to share such disturbing information. 

I sat quietly listening, and not really sure what to do. I didn’t want to stop them for fear they would be offended with me. It gets worse… This dear friend had shared this information with me in confidence and asked that I protect the information because she is a very private person and would be humiliated if the news became public. How do I handle situations like this without sounding self-righteous and critical? 

Answer: Unfortunately, this happens all too often. Rumors, gossip, and public criticism of others is becoming more prevalent and difficult to avoid. It is easy to become desensitized to the point of not even noticing when something is said that can be harmful and damaging for those who are being discussed without them being present. In your case, the information being shared was about your dear friend, and information was sacred to them and offered to you with a request for privacy and protection. 

One way to deal with moments like this is to lead by example. When the conversation starts veering toward gossip, steer it into a new direction by introducing a new topic or asking a question unrelated to the gossip. You might even let people know you are concerned about sharing such delicate information without the person present. Your concern that they might be offended is a misunderstanding about the power of leading by example. 

You might say, “It sounds like this is sensitive information and I would be humiliated if I learned others were sharing this without me being present.” Sometimes people don’t realize the harm gossip can cause. It is very likely that the group you were with didn’t recognize the sensitive nature of the information. You can gently teach the principle of avoiding gossip by openly expressing your desire to refrain from talking about others without them present.

Most importantly, it might surprise you that once you take this lead, others will have greater respect for you. Instantly, they will personally feel safer in their friendship with you because they know you value keeping confidences.