Grief

Question: Dr. Debi, please help! 

A year ago I lost my husband after a 5 year battle with cancer. We were married for 25 years and together we raised 3 beautiful children. Two are married, and one is in her final year of college. During the first few months after the funeral, they were all attentive and checked in on me frequently to be sure I was doing ok. However, over the past 6 months they have stopped calling and rarely come to visit. My oldest son recently asked to take me to lunch. While there he said he was serving as spokesman for the rest of the family. He said I was prolonging my grief and needed to get over the loss and move on with my life. I was horrified… I am so depressed, lonely, and struggling to find motivation to do much of anything. I can’t imagine just “getting over it.” What do I do? Am I just wallowing in my sadness? Should I be over this by now? 

Answer: Grief doesn’t have a timeline, and no one gets to decide when you should “get over” a loss. Love doesn’t just disappear. Your children are likely grieving the loss of their father, but they clearly don’t understand the impact of losing a spouse. It’s not that they are insensitive… they just lack the understanding of the grieving process of the partner left behind. 

If your family is pressuring you, it might help to gently let them know that you’re doing your best, but grief is a process—not something you just move past. You must be allowed to take the time you need. The most healing can occur by reaching out to a trusted friend whom you can talk with and process your sadness and grief. Talking about it can be the best medicine. There is likely a grief processing group available in your community, led by an expert professional who can clarify the stages of grief and assist in working through your loss and sadness.

Grief isn’t a straight path—it’s messy, unpredictable, and different for everyone. But there are common patterns that can help you understand what you’re going through. One well-known model is the five stages of grief (by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross):

1. Denial – Feeling numb, in shock, or like it’s not real.

2. Anger – Frustration, resentment, or questioning why this happened.

3. Bargaining – Thinking about “what if” scenarios or wishing things were different.

4. Depression – Deep sadness, loneliness, or feeling lost.

5. Acceptance – Finding ways to live with the loss while still honoring the love.

But grief isn’t a checklist—it comes in waves. One day you might feel okay, and the next, it hits you hard again. Some days you might feel angry, then sad, then okay, all in the same afternoon.

There are also other models, like the “dual process” model, which suggests we bounce between grief and trying to function in daily life. Some days, we focus on the pain; other days, we focus on moving forward.

No matter how it looks for you, it’s okay to take your time. You’re not supposed to “get over it” but rather learn how to carry it in a way that allows you to keep living.