Healing From Breakups

Question: I have been in a serious relationship with a girl for 1 ½ years. We were best friends long before we started dating, but drifted apart when I accepted a job in another state, and she went to Boston to get her college degree. After 6 years and very little contact, we ran into each other in our hometown. Instantly it felt so right, and we both felt like we were falling in love. We started seeing each other every day and even talked about marriage because we couldn’t imagine being apart. Recently, she has seemed more distant, and less available. That was enough to rock my world, until two months ago she told me she had found someone else and has accepted this guy’s proposal. Ugh! She has asked for no contact, so I can’t even find closure. I am devastated and can’t get myself out of bed in the morning. I’ve missed days of work, and I’m afraid I will lose my job over this crazy breakup. I just can’t seem to function, and I feel like I lost a huge part of who I am. How will I ever get over this? Is it possible to get over this?

Answer: First, it’s important to acknowledge and accept the deep and painful emotions that right now consume you. Give yourself permission to grieve the end of such an important relationship. It's okay to feel sad, angry, or even confused. Give yourself time to grief, and it’s crucial not to rush the process. Understand that it's normal to feel a range of emotions, and it's okay to take the time you need to heal.

Even though you long to talk to her about what happened, I recommend you consider implementing a period of no contact her. This can help create space for emotional healing and prevent additional heartache. This may be counterintuitive, but it is actually a very important strategy to offer your aching heart space to heal. 

Right now you need a “circle of support” so reach out to friends and family for emotional support. Talking about your feelings is extremely important and healing. A support system can provide valuable perspectives and comfort. Also, take care of your physical and mental well-being. This includes getting enough sleep, eating healthily, exercising, and engaging in activities that bring you joy.

When you are ready, take time to reflect on the relationship and its dynamics. Explore what you learned from the experience, and how you can grow from it. Establish clear boundaries, especially if you continue to have contact with your ex-partner. This can help you protect your emotional well-being and create a sense of closure. Use this time to rediscover your interests, passions, and personal goals. Reconnect with activities that bring you joy and a sense of fulfillment.

Most importantly, try to avoid using unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb your pain such as overeating, or isolating yourself. These behaviors can provide temporary relief but hinder the healing process in the long run.

Remember that healing is a unique and individual process. Be patient with yourself, and don't hesitate to seek help or join a grief processing group if you need it. Time heals pain, and you will find that the pain diminishes. If you follow these steps you will be able to move forward with a greater sense of self-awareness and resilience.