What Do People Regret Most?

Have you ever thought about what you want people to remember you for once you’ve passed on? You may recall the saying that when someone is on their deathbed, they’re unlikely to express remorse about spending too little time at the office. 

In 2011, two professors of psychology reported on a study focused on finding out what people regret most in their lives. Their findings are telling. They may influence you to reconsider your present regrets, and possibly motivate you to shift your life’s focus and improve your well-being. 

Dr. Mike Morrison of the University of Illinois and Dr. Neal Roese at Northwestern University performed a random-digit telephone survey of 370 American men and women. They asked the respondents to share what their greatest regrets were. Overwhelmingly, the professors found that relationship-based regrets far outweighed those of education, finances, or career. 

Here’s a breakdown of their results:

• 18% had regret for past romance and lost love 

• 16% had family-related regrets

• 13% had education regrets

• 12% had career regrets

• 10% had financial regrets

• 9% had parenting regrets

• 6% had health regrets

The survey shows that 43% of regrets are tied to relationships, including past romances, lost loves, family, or parenting choices. These findings align with another current concern, as detailed in a recent report released by the National Institutes of Mental Health (NIMH). Here are some troubling statistics from that report, revealing a sudden increase in depression and anxiety over the past few decades.

• More than 21 million adults experienced at least one major depressive episode in the past year. 

• Depression is the leading cause of disability in the U.S. among people ages 15-44 (NIMH, 2022). 

Other major studies find that loneliness and isolation directly impact our physical health, triggering serious mental health complications. Over time, these combined factors can result in serious medical issues. Medical professionals have begun to connect the dots between physical calamities and chronic illness—the prevalence of which correlates to an overall decline in mental health and well-being. 

As the saying goes, “the numbers don’t lie”:

• Loneliness raises blood pressure to the point where the risk of heart attack and stroke is doubled (Hawkley, 2006)

• Emotional isolation is more dangerous to our health than smoking or high blood pressure (Hawkley & Colleagues, 2010). 

• In men and women aged 65 and older, social disconnection and a subjective sense of isolation lead to depression (Cacioppo & Cacioppo, 2013). 

• In high school students, isolation and loneliness predict depression, anxiety, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, and self-harm (Loades & Colleagues, 2020). 

Whether healthy or unhealthy, our relationships have a major impact on our health. Medical research has found that positive relationships reduce depression and minimize the threat of heart disease. When our connections with friends and family are healthy and close, we feel happier and more fulfilled. Our reduced stress results in fewer releases of stress hormones, such as cortisol and epinephrine, which can damage our major organs. Contrast those hormones with modern findings on oxytocin, the ‘bonding hormone.’ Studies have shown that building connections with others through physical touch or eye contact causes our brains to release oxytocin; in turn, oxytocin counters the damaging effects of cortisol. 

Drs. Morrison and Roese further report that “people crave strong, stable social relationships and are unhappy when they lack them; regret embodies this principle.” If this is true, then the best solution for avoiding serious and painful regret is to further develop our relationships. We need to distinguish between two types of regret: 

• Things we did, but now wish we hadn’t; and 

• Things we didn’t do, but now wish we had. 

Both types of regret are painful, but it’s harder to let go of regrets about our things we’ve left undone. In other words, we need to ask ourselves what we can control now, and what we can do now to enhance our present relationships.

If you feel disconnected from those who are most important to you, focus on how to meaningfully connect with them. If many of your relationships feature chronic disconnection, you may need to seek outside help to find tools for reconnection. Empirical evidence suggests that this will benefit every aspect of your health: physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. 

Basically, the first item on your to-do list today may need to be: Deepen and enhance my most important relationships.

References

Cacioppo, J. T., & Cacioppo, S. (2013). Older adults reporting social isolation or loneliness show poorer cognitive function 4 years later. Evidence Based Nursing, 17(2), 59–60. 

Hawkley, L. C., Masi, C. M., Berry, J. D., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2006). Loneliness is a unique predictor of age-related differences in systolic blood pressure. Psychology and Aging, 21(1), 152–164. 

Hawkley, L. C., Thisted, R. A., Masi, C. M., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2010). Loneliness predicts increased blood pressure: 5-year cross-lagged analyses in middle-aged and older adults. Psychology and Aging, 25(1), 132–141. 

Loades, M., Chatburn, E., Higson-Sweeney, N., Reynolds, S., Shafran, R., Brigden, A., Linney, C., McManus, M., Borwick, C., & Crawley, E. (2020). Rapid systematic review: The impact of social isolation and loneliness on the mental health of children and adolescents in the context of covid-19. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 59(11), 1218–1239.e3. 

National Institute of Mental Health. (2022, January). Major depression. National Institute of    Mental Health (NIMH). Retrieved August 27, 2022, from 

Morrison, M., & Roese, N. J. (2011, March 11). Regrets of the typical american. Social 

Psychology and Personality Science, 2(6), 576-583.