Authentic Listening

QUESTION: Dr. Debi, help! 

I’m a terrible listener! Thanks to a very uncomfortable moment with a friend, I am beginning to notice that I interrupt and talk over people all the time! It’s embarrassing now that I am seeing my terrible habit. 

It’s so hard to stop because my mind races to ideas and opinions. I tell myself I already know what they are going to say, and I have my response or solution ready to blast. Then, the minute I speak over someone I can see their face deflate… I know it is disrespectful, but I do it over and over again. Then, last week my friend stopped me in the middle of my sentence, and pointed this out to me. She said it made her feel bad that I talk over her. I was not only embarrassed, but humiliated because I didn’t realize how hurtful it has been to others. 

I think I know why I do this… I am afraid I will forget what I want to say in response. Is there a way to overcome this without just feeling anxious and impatient in conversations? 

ANSWER: It may seem counterintuitive, but the way to build healthy connections with others is to become good at listening. Listening is more than simply hearing what someone has to say. You also need to focus more intently and seek understanding about what they want to tell you. This is not possible if all you are doing is formulating your “come-back.” 

The most powerful part of listening, and a method to achieve the best results is to carefully consider their words while they are speaking. Listen so carefully that you can repeat the exact words they used. Even better is to ask thoughtful questions about what they just said. If you just hear the words without hearing what the person actually intends to say, you will miss the opportunity to gain essential clarity, to demonstrate how much you value the person with whom you are talking, and the possibility of being inspired by what they have to say. And… of course, you hope they will offer you the same courtesy.

One of the most essential traits of successful leaders is their willingness to listen and learn from others. It is the power of their curiosity that makes others feel good about themselves and to want to be with them and to follow their lead. If you can cultivate this skill you will convey to others that you are empathic, respectful, and that you maintain an open mind. Others will be drawn to you. 

Unfortunately, listening is hard and the most challenging aspect of communication. However, with practice and patience, this skill will generate, nurture, and preserve fulfilling relationships throughout your life. For tips on how to listen more effectively, click here to read “The Power of Listening Authentically.”