The Antidote to Addiction is Connection

I specialize in working with couples and assisting in the repair of relationships that have crumbled due to multiple reasons. One particularly tragic reason for the shattering of a relationship is addiction, which causes tremendous pain and emotional disconnect. Traditionally, addiction treatment has dictated individual counseling, and marital counseling was discouraged as it was believed the addict must be free of the addiction before the couple relationship could be addressed.

In my work with couples challenged by addiction, I have found the opposite to be true. When the person struggling with addiction finds emotional safety and connection, the addictive behavior is replaced with reliable empathic responsiveness and healthy coping strategies. Research in this area has increased in recent years, and numerous studies support my findings in my own private practice.

The Computer Inside our Head

The brain is a fascinating “computer” and the neuroscience of emotional attachment and addiction is useful to understand as they are uniquely related. Addiction and attachment share the same neural pathways in the pleasure and reward centers of the brain. This part of the brain contains a circuitry that compels us to maintain attachment or closeness to others. For example, when we laugh, touch others, eat, make love, or even experience eye contact, this part of the brain “lights up” and is stimulated by these experiences.

However, when using mood altering substances, or indulging in addictive behaviors, this same area of the brain “lights up” and is stimulated in the very same way. The process of engaging in addictive behaviors and substance use and abuse begins to “trick the circuitry” and hijacks the pleasure/reward system of the brain. This diminishes the addict’s ability to find pleasure in emotional connection with others. Instead, the addict is blocked from being able to connect with other human beings, and physical and emotional isolation is the result.

In a recent Ted talk by Johann Harri, titled, “Everything You Know About Addiction Is Wrong,” he concluded with the following statement: “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.” This same finding is supported by Dr Gabor Maté who states that emotional loss and trauma are the core of addiction. In 2000, three professors of psychiatry at the University of California in San Francisco published a collaborative study “A General Theory of Love,” by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini and Richard Lannon. Their book is about the science of human emotions. The authors revealed that in order for the brain to develop optimally, humans need social and emotional connection.

Immunized by Love

When babies are nurtured in a consistent and loving environment, they are actually neurologically conditioned and immunized by love. This conditioning actually provides a foundation of emotional resilience in adulthood, and they are then able to confidently navigate challenges in relationships and trust on deeper levels. Even in the face of relational conflict, they are able to walk through the conflict and resolve the issue through their inner confidence in emotional connection.

When children experience the opposite including a high rate of childhood trauma or inconsistent connection with caregivers, children are more likely to fall into addictive behaviors. According to Dr. Maté, people with addictions are compromised in their capacity for dealing with emotional distress, resulting in increased risk of drug-dependence. The drug becomes their “connection” of choice, and the cycle of addiction takes hold.

The Antidote to Addiction

I began this article with the suggestion that my work with couples who are challenged by addiction focuses on helping them to find hope and healing through learning how to connect emotionally. My modality of choice is emotionally focused therapy (EFT). The initial work is to uncover hidden or numbed primary emotions that have been masked by the impact of deeply ingrained negative patterns. The person struggling with addiction is challenged by their "tricked brain" and their overall disconnection from their own emotions. The process of EFT incorporates both the limbic and cortical processes of the brain to effect change and incorporate relational stability. The couple learns new ways of coping with emotional distress and pain, and slowly but surely, the addict begins to trust the new alternative. This is a complicated and sometimes lengthy process, but soon the partners learn to reach out to each other to soothe their distress, and new neuropathways are “wired” into the brain. Yes, love is actually directly related to, and driven by science.

Ideally, consistent and loving caregivers teach us we are lovable. When we are children, our parents care for us and respond to our painful moments by being accessible, responsive, and remaining engaged until we feel comforted. Unfortunately, the ideal does not happen for many people, however through hundreds of studies by researchers focused on attachment theory, we are finding that the deficits of childhood can be reversed. With consistency in the process of emotionally reaching out to significant others, hearts can heal, and brains “learn” to trust connection.

According to Maté, “Ask not why the addiction, but why the pain. You have to be with that pain, but you have to have support.” When those struggling with addiction are able to begin to feel the impact of emotional connection, they are able to learn to value themselves. When they feel emotional support in the midst of distress, they embark on a new journey of conquering addiction, the very thing that has kept them isolated and in painful bondage. Most importantly, a marriage that may have been headed toward divorce is renewed and revitalized through hope and healing.